Did you know that in the UK, 4,000 children are waiting for adoption and 8,600 foster families are desperately needed (according to the charity Home For Good)? Stats like that should make us sit up and pay attention.
Since we’re just coming out of Fostering Fortnight, we decided we would read and review “Home For Good: Making A Difference For Vulnerable Children”*, a book by Krish and Miriam Kandiah. It is a book about the joys and challenges of adoption and fostering.
Some may say that reading a book about adoption and fostering just 3 months before the arrival of our next biological baby is a bit odd. But we reasoned that there’s always an excuse to put off thinking about adoption and fostering and, being realistic, once little Thomson arrives we’ll be sleep-deprived, overwhelmed and pre-occupied for a good length of time. So, we decided to think about it now, completely in the hypothetical, while we still have a bit of mental space (and our brains are still vaguely functioning).
We found the book extremely readable, thought-provoking, well-written and inspiring. We would highly recommend it.
A book for anyone at any stage of life
This book should be read by all Christians. It’s not just for people considering adoption and fostering, but for anyone who belongs to God’s family. The Home for Good book has come out of the Home for God campaign. The vision of this campaign is to see Christian families adopting and fostering not in isolation, but with the encouragement and support of their church families as they care for vulnerable children.
So if you belong to the church, this is a book for you.
It will help you think about how you can support and pray for vulnerable children and the families that care for them. The Kandiah’s message is clear – we all can and should be doing something to help, this isn’t just for the super spiritual amongst us. Christians should be at the forefront of caring for needy children in our country.
A book which is thoroughly biblical
Krish is an excellent Bible teacher, and that shines through as he retells familiar Bible stories in a really engaging and fresh way. He convincingly argues that the central message of the gospel is our adoption into God’s family and that this compels us to show the same compassion to others.
This is something all of us need to keep hearing. JI Packer in ‘Knowing God’* says this:
“What is a Christian? The question can be answered in many ways, but the richest answer I know is that a Christian is one who has God as Father.
If you want to judge how well a person understands Christianity, find out how much he makes of the thought of being God’s child, and having God as his Father. If this is not the thought that prompts and controls his worship and prayers and his whole outlook on life, it means that he does not understand Christianity very well at all…
Adoption… is the highest privilege that the gospel offers: higher even than justification… To be right with God the Judge is a great thing, but to be loved and cared for by God the Father is a greater.”
This book is rammed-full of great theology, but it’s applied theology. You’re never far away from being challenged to act. Krish skilfully applies timeless Biblical principles to the nitty-gritty of real life in the modern day British care-system (although he does talk about international adoption in his book too).
A book which is realistic yet full of hope
As experienced adoptive and foster parents, the Kandiah’s candidly share some of their own experiences of caring for vulnerable children. The book also has lots of personal stories from the perspective of people who have grown up in care as well as from adoptive and foster parents. The book is full of realism, but also of hope. This is a book that doesn’t let you get away with the idea that caring for vulnerable children is a walk in the park, yet it does fill you with courage and inspiration for how lives can be transformed.
The book is profoundly practical and informative, with the Kandiah’s helpfully addressing some of our misconceptions and fears about the system – including social workers and the dreaded and intrusive process of getting approved. At the end of each chapter, discussion questions or prompts are provided to help you consider your own motivations and circumstances in relation to this topic. This is really helpful, as perhaps there are many families out there who are interested in adoption and fostering but are simply intimidated by the system. This book begins to remedy this.
A book which will leave you challenged
Home For Good* should come with a health warning. Don’t read this book if you want to be left unchanged. The Kandiah’s are extremely passionate about the church’s role in caring for vulnerable children (with Krish recently stepping down as the President of the London School of Theology to devote more time to the charity Home for Good, who are at the forefront of championing the cause of unaccompanied refugee children). The aim of this book was never to simply give a biblical defence of adoption and fostering but is a call for Christian families and the church at large to get on and do it.
Have you read this book? Why not comment below with your thoughts to help others who are considering reading it.
*Please note that whenever we recommend a book on this blog and link to it, we use an affiliate link. If you use that link to purchase the book than we will receive a small commission from that purchase, at no extra cost to you – we want to be totally upfront with you that this is the case. We only ever recommend books that we have personally benefited from and think will be useful or beneficial to our readers too. We hope that this will go some way to the cost of maintaining and updating this site, so if you have benefited from this blog then please consider purchasing through this link. Click on the asterix next to any link for more info.
If you know us, or have read this blog before, you’ll know that we’re expecting our second child in August.
Expecting
If you’ve had children of your own, or even had friends or relatives who’ve had children, you’ll know how exciting the countdown to the new arrival is. Thinking about this new baby often occupies your thoughts. What will they look like? Will it be a boy or girl? What will their personalities be like? When will they come? “Expecting” is exactly the right word to use.
Recently we’ve been reflecting on this time of waiting and have been struck by the echoes of the gospel that resound. As we said in our “Gospel In The Everyday” introductory post, we shouldn’t be surprised to see something of the truth of who God is in the world he’s created and in the rhythms and patterns of the world, all of which speak of his glory. We’re excited about how God, in his grace, has been using this time that we’ve been expecting to remind us of something of the gospel. We hope you’ll be encouraged too.
When Is He Coming?
In 1 Thessalonians 5, Paul writes to a church who seem to be in a bit of confusion about the return of Jesus. He writes to them to urge them to be aware that Jesus will return, and to stay alert to this reality as they go about life, as the exact date and time of his return is unknown.
To help them get their heads round it, Paul uses two illustrations. He describes Jesus’ return as being like a thief in the night. The point is clear. If we knew exactly when a thief was going to come, then it wouldn’t be a surprise. We wouldn’t be sleeping and allow them to just stroll in and steal. But the fact is, we don’t know when a thief will come. It’s a shock to us. Just like Jesus’ return.
Then he uses an unexpected illustration. He talks about Jesus’ return coming suddenly, like labour pains come to a woman. (Paul uses this illustration negatively – it’s a warning to those who don’t know Jesus. But hopefully you’ll see that this illustration can be helpful to Christians too.)
Now, we always thought this illustration a little odd. You see we do know, don’t we, when a baby is coming? 9 months gestation, and all of that?
Well yes, but we don’t know exactly when.
We know that the baby will come, but the exact date and time is a complete mystery (unless you have an elective C-Section of course… but that wasn’t a possibility when Paul was writing!). If you’re a parent you’ll remember that all too well – those days in the run up to the due date when you were itching for it to happen – itching to know when you’d finally meet your precious little one. Crossing the days off the calendar, knowing it will be soon, but just not sure when. And then suddenly, seemingly out of the blue, the waters break and it’s happening.
Now do you see Paul’s point? That’s just the place we’re in as Christians. We know Jesus will return. We eagerly anticipate that date. But when exactly that date will be is a mystery.
The Greater Meeting
So, as we wait expectantly to meet little miss/master Thomson, we want to use the sense of anticipation and expectancy to remind us of an even greater meeting to come that we’re also waiting for. We know with certainty that that day will one day come when Jesus will return. When exactly will that will be, we don’t know. But it will come. We will one day see him face to face. And so, as Paul goes on to urge the Thessalonians, we want to live in the light of that wonderful and certain future reality.
If you’re expecting then next time you find yourself eagerly anticipating the arrival of your little one, why not let that prompt you to ponder the reality of the coming return of Jesus? Do you know a Christian who is expecting? Maybe you could point them to this post as a helpful reminder to them of the gospel in the everyday?
The birthing experience is really important, isn’t it? We spend lots of time and money on antenatal classes and books before the big day arrives. We write our birth plans. We pack and repack our hospital bags. We wonder what the birth will be like with mixed emotions – excitement and apprehension! For some of us it’s a wonderful experience of near magical proportions, for others it’s horrendous, for others it’s dangerous and life-threatening. But no matter what our birthing experience is like, there’s something about giving birth that unites us women together. To have gone through it and to have come out the other end with a gory story gets you in the club!
But for many women in the world the experience is filled with much more fear and anxiety. Many women lack the care and health services that we so often take for granted in the West.
Every day, approximately 830 women die from preventable causes related to pregnancy and childbirth.
99% of all maternal deaths occur in developing countries.
Maternal mortality is higher in women living in rural areas and among poorer communities.
The sad fact is that with skilled care before, during and after childbirth, the lives of these women and newborn babies could have been saved.
There’s a great charity which helps to tackle this. They’ve come up with a brilliant idea. You can twin your pregnancy with a pregnancy of a woman in Malawi (Malawi is one of the poorest countries in the world, and a woman in Malawi is 60 times more likely to die having a baby than a woman in the UK). It costs just £40 (that’s £1 for each week of your pregnancy) to support a women and her baby to have a safe delivery. After the baby has been born you even get a photo of the mum and baby to see who you’ve directly helped to have a positive and safe birth experience. As well as that they give you the exact GPS coordinates of where in the world your birthing twin is. Pretty cool!
Giving birth in a hospital maternity unit costs the NHS £1,631. Then on top of that is the cost of health visitors, breast-feeding support workers and Children’s Centres to give support and guidance throughout the early years. These services are free to access, although paid for by taxpayers, and all those staff and resources must add up!
Contrast that with a one-off gift of £40. It’s great value for money. For your gift of £40, the mum-to-be receives: “transport to a health clinic for antenatal check-up; pregnancy advice, emotional support and a listening ear from a local Mother Buddy with a total of 8 visits (3 during pregnancy, 3 in the first week of delivery and 2 follow-up visits); the opportunity to give birth safely at a clinic rather than at home; visits for six months after the birth to give advice on nutrition, hygiene and staying healthy; and help with accessing ARV treatment if she is living with HIV, making sure that her baby is born HIV free.”
Check out this video to find out a bit more:
Listen to this testimony of a mum who was helped by Pregnancy Twinning:
“My Mother Buddy advised me to go to antenatal classes, which I didn’t know about before, and to get treatment for HIV. I was keen to follow her advice and my baby was born HIV negative! We did not know that this was possible, or that an HIV positive mother can breastfeed. She advised me on cooking nutritious meals for my family too. This programme needs to continue and expand so that it can reach other pregnant women in other villages.”
We think it’s a fantastic charity, and so we wanted to raise awareness on here with a few ideas for how you might support it. Here are a few suggestions:
If you’re pregnant, why not twin your pregnancy?
If your friend or relative is pregnant why don’t you twin their pregnancy for them, as a gift?
Perhaps you could organise a friend’s baby-shower? Ask each guest to donate £4, and use the donations to support a woman and baby to have a safe labour. With just 10 guests, the pregnancy would be twinned. A birth experience would be transformed. Lives could be saved.
We decided to twin my pregnancy. It’s exciting knowing that there’s another woman across the world with roughly the same due date as me. I’ll be keeping her in my thoughts and prayers as D-day approaches. I can’t wait to get my photo to see what mum and baby look like – to think that we were able to help them is pretty cool!
If you’re reading this blog and currently pregnant… all the best for the big day!
In August we’re expecting the birth of our new baby. We’re so excited and thankful to God.
And yet we grieve the two babies that we lost through miscarriage.
We were meant to have a baby this month. He/she(?) was due around now. We had a couple of scans. One week we saw our baby with a beating heart, the next week we saw our baby and their heart was still.
We’re sorry we never got the chance to meet you, precious one.
We don’t understand why it happened.
We miss you. We remember you. We love you.
“See, I will create new heavens and a new earth.
The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. But be glad and rejoice for ever in what I will create,
for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight and its people a joy.
I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people; the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more. ‘Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days”
Until Cathy was pregnant we didn’t realise quite how many different opinions are out there on parenting.
The Plight Of The New Parent
Take just one area of a newborn’s life as an example – how they are fed milk. You’ll find that there are not just two approaches (formula or breast milk), but stacks of them: on demand; attachment parenting; strict routine; tandem feeding; political agenda… the list goes on! I
mean really, how much is there to say on the topic of feeding a baby? Loads, it turns out.
Becoming a new parent is daunting – it’s not only the countless number of decisions you have to make on behalf of your little dependent, but add to that the criticism and comments of people around you about those decisions and it’s enough to make anyone nervous. These comments aren’t usually meant to be unkind, but nevertheless they can hurt. It turns out that this isn’t restricted to when you first become a parent. The decisions go on way beyond that. So it’s fair to say that the opinions of others and the pressure to get this parenting malarkey right can induce a fair amount of guilt.
“Oh no, I forgot to brush his teeth/wash his hands/comb his hair!”
“Okay poppet, we’re just heading for tea (at McDonald’s) again”
“Time for cartoons on the iPad lovely, while I just…”
As we say these things, we feel the pang of guilt that we’ve failed to live up to our own expectations for our child’s development/diet/hygiene etc, never mind anyone else’s! We haven’t even mentioned the times that we snap at our child in anger, are inconsistent with him out of laziness, or are grumpy with each other after a hard day. Parenting really is a minefield!
Options For Dealing With Parenting Guilt
So what do we do when the inevitable happens and we cannot meet the parenting standards we feel we should reach? There are three possible options:
Option 1: Beat ourselves up – “I’m a really rubbish parent.”
Option 2: Excuse ourselves and compare ourselves to others who are doing a worse job – “All of us do it, but at least I’m not as bad as X.”
Option 3: The gospel
Let’s explore this further.
Let’s Not Be So Hard On Ourselves?
Recently we were reading a facebook status that the “Part-Time Working Mummy” (a writer) posted. It was a sentiment that some of our facebook friends had liked, shared, and generally felt comforted by. What she has to say is clearly appreciated by a lot of people – at the time of writing she had 44,508 likes on her Facebook Page (versus our 130!). Here’s the quote – please note that it had some explicit language so we’ve toned it down a bit and picked out some excerpts:
“So we are only into day 3 of ‘back to school’ and I’ve been a ‘[rubbish] mum’ repeatedly since Monday.
This weeks epic [mess] ups have included:
Leaving 2 coats worth £60 on the pavement because I was too busy trying to convince a 2 year old it’s ok to [wee] in a bush before we got back in the car […]
I gave Betsy no dinner money then remembered at 2pm when I was gorging on my own lunch at my desk so I had a melt down that she would either starve to death or be bullied for being poor.
Felt extra punctual and got the kids to school nice and early today – to remember on arriving I’d totally forgotten to collect my nephew on the way as promised.
I’ve done my usual – felt guilt, a load of rage and the usual feeling of being a totally [rubbish] parent; but then I thought…
A [rubbish] parent doesn’t feel like they’re failing because they’ve not read their child’s school book every night of the week or practised their spellings and there’s a chance they could have done better in that test if you had of.
A [rubbish] parent doesn’t sit in a meeting with a lump in their throat because they just couldn’t get the time off work to wear a high vis vest and help on the school trip to the zoo.
[Rubbish] parents don’t feel shame because their kids have eaten macdonalds more than twice in a week because they were just too exhausted to even think of what to cook for tea let alone make it.
All these things that make you feel like you’re being a [rubbish] parent actually means you’re an amazing parent – because you’re doubting yourself.
[Rubbish] parents don’t doubt themselves[…]
Instead of losing my [mind] which I was on the verge of doing I just thought [stuff] it – and took my babies to the park then we ate massive Ice creams just before tea.
As I sat there with my double honeycombe sugar waffle beast with a flake I decided […] so what that it’s been another week of kid drama – as long as our babies are fed, clean, loved, happy & not the spawn of Satan most of the time we must be doing something right – let’s not be so hard on ourselves.”
Comfort For Guilt
As you read that, no doubt many of the examples will have been a bit close to the bone – they were for us. So how do you comfort yourself when your parenting seems to go belly up?
Did you notice how this Mum comforted herself? It was using options 1 (feeling really guilty when confronted with her failings) and 2 (comparing herself to others as a remedy to feeling like a failure) from above.
Before you squirm in your seats and press the ‘X’ button on Scott and Cathy, the self-righteous and judgmental blog post writers, let us reassure you that this is a case study of our hearts too. We find it all too easy to comfort ourselves in exactly the same way – wallowing in guilt or comparing ourselves to others – often we do one immediately after the other! Condemnation and comparison comes too naturally to us, it’s the instinct of our hearts. But is there a better way?
The Battle All Christians Face
In Romans chapter 6, Paul describes the battle that goes on in the life of the Christian. Here’s the passage and we’ll comment on it below:
“5 For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. 6 For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with,[a] that we should no longer be slaves to sin – 7 because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.
8 Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him.9 For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. 10 The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.
11 In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13 Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. 14 For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.”
It’s dense stuff isn’t it, but at the heart of it are some simple (and wonderful) truths. Here’s what he’s saying: we are united to Jesus. Our union with him is so tight that it means that what is true of him is true of us.
So Jesus died – we died with him. We could have a whole different blog exploring the implications of this. But in this section the implication is clear: “ourold self was crucified with him so that… we should no longer be slaves to sin“. At the cross, Jesus dealt the killer blow to the mastery that sin has over us. We no longer haveto give in to sin. We aren’t slaves to it. We have a new nature, and a new power – by the Holy Spirit living in us – to help us to stop sinning.
At this point you might be thinking “How is that good news? That just makes me feel even more guilty when I do mess up!”
Stick with us.
In Romans Paul is also very realistic about the Christian life. He makes it clear that while we are no longer slaves to sin, there is also a part of our hearts that still sends us towards sin’s cruel jaws. There’s a battle that goes on in the Christian heart that we don’t always win – sometimes we do give in to sin. That’s why Paul has to urge us to “count yourselves dead to sin”. He wouldn’t have to remind us of this if the battle with sin was a foregone conclusion. So we have to reason with ourselves, and remind ourselves that we can live differently. He says “do not let sin reign in your mortal body” – implication: there’s a choice – the battle with sin is part of the normal Christian life.
So there’s two bits of good news to this. One is that the battle you face as you seek to parent in a gospel-centred way, aren’t unexpected. The times you mess up aren’t don’t mean you’re not a proper Christian. This is part of the reality of the Christian life.
But the second bit of good news is this: you can change. You’re union with Jesus means that sin no longer has mastery over you. Inadequacy as a parent can gradually change over time. Our old self was crucified with Jesus, we live with him – change really is possible! Cling to that as you bemoan the reality of your parenting today.
Good News For Failures
But what good news does the gospel speak to us when the guilt of not living up to expectations weighs on us?
The ‘Parenting Law’ that we fail to live up to will be different for each one of us. It is a system that we have each invented to measure ourselves against. The commandments include our preferences for the nutrition, development and behaviour of our children; they include other people’s expectations and opinions of us; they will include some godly morals; and most impossible of all – they include a desire to be self-sufficient and perfect in our own eyes.
We will fail to live up to it. Sometimes we’ll really be crushed by the fact – we wanted to keep the law! Other times we despise the law and want to throw it out the window – let’s eat a double honeycombe sugar waffle beast with a flake! We’ll grovel in self-pity, we’ll excuse and justify our actions, we’ll criticise others, and we’ll believe that doing these things will make us feel better. But they won’t.
It’s interesting that the “Part-time working mummy” felt the need to share her experience on social media. What we think she was looking for is for other people to acquit her of her guilt. For other people to tell her that her actions were justified, that she is a good mum, that she can still be accepted in the parenting world.
When we mess up, we crave acquittal. We want to be declared “not guilty.” We want to be loved and accepted again. But there’s only really one opinion of us that truly matters – and there’s only one acquittal which can truly make us feel clean, forgiven, accepted and loved unconditionally. It’s the opinion of God. Hundreds of likes for a status on facebook may feel comforting, but it doesn’t bring true and lasting comfort. But we have good news – God loves to declare people “not guilty.” There’s nothing that God loves more than a broken person coming to his son Jesus for forgiveness, and whoever comes to Jesus for forgiveness will always be given it. That’s where Paul’s line of reasoning gets to in Romans. In chapter 8 he says this:
“There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set youfree from the law of sin and death.”
There is an alternative option to condemnation and comparison! There is a soothing balm for our soul when we’re bruised by our own sense of inadequacies. Jesus is our remedy!
As Christian’s we are free to own our sin. When we are confronted by our failings (whether superficial or major) we can own up to it. We don’t need to deny it. We don’t need to be crushed by it. Not only is it an expected reality of the Christian life, but God sees it, justifies us in the midst of it and offers us grace and acceptance rather than condemnation. Then he slowly, by his Spirit, changes us.
We don’t need to shift the blame. We are sinners and we are broken.
But we have a saviour!
Jesus has delivered us. He has set us free from the law of sin and death. How? By living a perfect life in 100% obedience to God’s moral law, and dying in the place of messed up people, as our substitute.
Jesus received God’s judgement in our place and we go free.
We’re forgiven, but not just that, we are given all of Jesus’ perfection. When God looks at us, he doesn’t see sinful people – he sees people clothed in the perfection of his son. There is no condemnation for us – only love, acceptance, hope and freedom! What good news!
So, next time we feel the pang of guilt because we did something we’re ashamed of, let’s not feel condemned, let’s not excuse our behaviour in a comparison game, let’s run to Jesus.
15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to feel sympathy for our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
”*, a book by Krish and Miriam Kandiah. It is a book about the joys and challenges of adoption and fostering.
of the Home for God campaign. The vision of this campaign is to see Christian families adopting and fostering not in isolation, but with the encouragement and support of their church families as they care for vulnerable children.